April 9th: Real Life.

No, this isn't a cry for help, I'm just ranting and complaining about the reality of my life. I need a place to put something, and here it is.

Humans will forever have unlimited wants but always limited resources by shortages or scarcity.

I probably won't make it to prom. Unfortunately, I can't get a ride. I have the funds for a ticket; I've had them for quite a while, but I can't find a reasonable way to get there. It's a twice in a life time experience (Maybe 5 times if you really, really stretch it, but who really wants to go that much?) so I really don't want to miss it, but I will miss it, and I just have to accept that. I would ask my friends, but they all (have / will have) (dates / people) to go with them, so I'd rather not be a third wheel and intrude. I feel bad for doing so.

I also don't want to ask someone out just for them to also drive me there. Yes, I have people I like, but it feels rude and as if I'm using them just for the ride to get to prom; it feel ingenuine. My heart feels broken (Ha, that sounds stupid) because I can't ask. I want to retain my dignity; I want real connections with people, and I would love to grow them, but I feel like I can't without taking the first step. The first step of actually talking with people and experiencing a bit of life with them in some capacity. I'm not even referring to a romantic partnership, being closer friends with people would be great too.

Here's my other regret / disappointment of life: never finishing my driver's ed. I started last summer but put it off. Through experiencing life and slow realization, putting off my driver's ed has become my #1 biggest regret of my life. I truly, have never felt more regret for anything than not finishing my driver's ed. Now, I'm literally too busy to do it. All of my friends (or acquaintances) have told me to just mindlessly skip through it, but I want to be genuine about it; I want to actually pay attention because I have no knowledge what so ever about driving.

If I knew how to drive, I would drive my teammates to the Stanford Math Tournament; but now I don't know how I can get there. I wouldn't have inconvenienced the other robotics members to the point of having to drive to my house and wait for me because I woke up late; but I had too. I would drive my teammates to a hackathon; but I can't. I would've applied to that internship; but now the opportunity is gone. I would be able to go to work and help my father; but now he's overworked and tired. I might've asked someone to prom; but I simply can't.

The point is, that the list goes on and on, of missed opportunities because I didn't learn to drive. It's really my own fault for not doing it; and it's the biggest thorn today for me but like I said earlier, there isn't much I can do now. I'm simply too busy or I don't have the motivation to do anything at all.

After the robotics season has ended I feel like I have no motivation to do anything at all. This proves to me that robotics was literally my life; I peak in robotics; but I don't want it to literally be my life. Yes, it's true, I really love robotics, it's my passion to work on projects and get them to work, to grow people to work on projects, and see them succeed; But it's taken so much of me and my time that without it, I am nothing. It's as if it's the only thing I want to do, but there's more things I need to do. I have an ever-expanding todo list that hasn't gotten cut down. If I have free time I don't spend it wisely; I just doomscroll on my computer until it gets late. I literally had both twitter and YouTube shorts open. Without robotics, I feel mindless.

I can't just be a "robotics kid" though. There are things that I would love to do. But after the season ended I haven't gotten anything done by myself at home when school ends.

Anyways, these are all just my personal problems. I don't expect people to help me. Maybe don't come up to me and talk about this. I feel like this is just dumping my feelings. This is my blog after all; a place where I dump my thoughts. Today's blog is just a little more real.

Today someone said I was a really nice person. That made me happy. That was the first time someone told me that.

Good night to the world. May the future be good despite current events. And now, maybe I can stop thinking about this. Maybe I can start living life.