June 3rd: Finals (Day 1), Website Milestone, Community and Life

Today was OK.

Today was the first day of finals at my school. I had my Physics final and my AP Lang final. I passed both of them. My Physics final was a little harder, but my AP Lang final was really easy.

After school I checked my email and realized that my website is picking up a little bit more traction! As it turns out, on June 1st, I reached 20 clicks from Google Search within 28 days. The last milestone was over a year ago! Welcome new readers! I hope you stick around my life, including the high ups and depressing downs. I thought that my website was actually dying a little bit but I'm happy it's had a bit of a resurgence. I don't expect it to last though. Honestly, this award isn't much, but it's pretty cool!

I think I value a lot of people in my life. I appreciate the time I spend with them, and I'm happy to be around them. But I don't think they like me as much as I like them. I'm not even considering in a romantic manner what-so-ever.

I think I'm feeling this way because people don't talk to me. But I love talking with others! Unfortunately, I find it hard to start conversations and keep them going with the ones I like talking with. I feel it's my fault, my failure, that I don't reciprocate the effort that others put into a relationship, such as the basics of conversation, for why I have weaker connections with others. In other words, I don't text first, yet I'm always waiting for someone else to text first, and I feel sad when no one texts me first. It makes me instantly check my phone or watch at the slightest notification, in the hopes of someone texting me. Yet, I'm expecting so much when I don't do anything. I literally haven't received any personal texts or messages from anyone. Talk about a loner!

It makes me wonder, What am I doing wrong? Or rather, What must I be doing? Why am I like this? What must I change in myself?

I think I want to go through this crazy self-improvement this summer. I wonder if I can pull it off (Probably not). I pretty much want to just become a better person. More social, more focused, more friendly, more sociable, more studious, more confident, etc.

As summer rolls around, the forced socialization and toleration of the school setting is now over, and people don't want or need to talk to me anymore. I feel lots of people who I used to chat with on the daily don't even remember me anymore. It makes me feel like I was forcing them to talk to me (Sorry?) It's as if those people simply tolerated me.

I know there will be consecutive days or weeks where I don't end up talking to any of my friends, as has happened years prior. But I realize that I must make an effort and reach my hand out. Only then will I know if people don't care about me, as is my perception. It makes me ponder whether I'm blind, I'm overthinking, or if people really don't want to talk to me.

Thanks for reading,
Issac