May 18th: Prom Wasn't Fun, and Reflection On My Life

Today was not good.

Honestly I think my blog probably fell off of popularity, I'm pretty sure no one reads it. Anyways, I'm just complaining about Prom and myself in today's blog, so if you would rather read something happier, you probably want to skip this blog.

I slept until 11. Then after eating breakfast I slept until 2.

Around 4 I began getting ready for Prom. At 5:30 I got picked up by my brother, and I very quickly put on his tuxedo. Fortunately, it matched my pants very well. A very big thank you to my brother for taking me to Prom!

I managed to get there right at 6:30, but fortunately there was still a line, so I didn't need to worry about not getting into the venue.

When I got in I met with some of my friends and I followed them around for a while. For a bit the dance floor was empty until the DJ played some good songs, then the dance floor would be populated until the end of the night.

After that I got some food, and ate it. Honestly I had onion breath for the entirety of Prom after that. Maybe that's why no one wanted to talk to me! We started playing Poker after we all ate. It wasn't really fun because we couldn't sit at an actual table, because all the tables were short. I left, and then my spot got taken.

Congratulations to the Prom royal court winners!

I kept pacing around the venue, but honestly I didn't have anything to do. I didn't find Prom fun. I know a lot of other people found prom fun, but I didn't find it fun. You need to have good friends to make Prom fun, but I couldn't find them. They were all with each other, having fun.

I really wanted Prom to be fun. I had been a shut in for a long time because I've been so invested in robotics and studying and exams, so I really wanted Prom to be my one night where I actually had fun. I thought I tried hard at having fun; I tried getting in on the dances and I played card games for a while. But honestly, I ended up finding myself staring into space at the ledge of the balcony at the top, simply reflecting about how lonely I really was. It made me realize how much of a "nobody" I am. It made me appreciate the family that I have.

I think I'm lonely because I exert such a "nerdy" and "stuck-up" character. People just know me as studying, studying, studying, robotics, straight A student, Asian, tryhard, etc. People literally call me "The robotics guy." Of course, no one really wants to be friends with someone like that. I know that's the reality though; I feel like no one wants to be friends with me because every day I go to school, go home, study or something, then repeat.

I know I need to loosen up more, I need to relax. I need to stop being so narrow minded in my focus. I need to have some humanity. I really don't want to be a shut-in. But I think that's where I'm going, which I hate myself for. And I don't know how to improve myself from that.

I'm pretty sure going into summer with pretty much no concrete plans. I better hope I don't end up waking up at 11am every day, finishing the day off with nothing to do. I hope I can improve myself during the summer. Maybe I just need a confidence boost.

Maybe I'm so narrow minded that I can't see the friends that I do have. Maybe I need to open my eyes. I really hope that I'm not lonely and I'm just not seeing the truth.

But, I feel like I'm sort of a "last choice" person. People only talk to me if they need me or if they can't find people they want to talk to, so they come to me because I'm the last choice of people to talk to. Basically, people only talk to me if they are forced to.

At the same time, I realize in myself that I don't really talk to people too. I pretty much get no notifications in a regular day from other people, but I don't really try talking to other people either. But there's a lot of people I want to talk to and I want to get closer with! There's people I love being with. I really don't know how to socialize or "be friends" though. I don't know how to "learn" to do that, if you can even. I blame the indoctrination of un-socialization of school for this.

I really don't know what to do anymore with my life. I have so much stuff I need to do but there's so much stuff I want to do, too. If I want to be an actual person, I better learn how to make friends. Why do I find life to be so difficult?

At the end of the day, I know I'll still try to go to the next fun thing, because that's how I can learn to socialize and have fun with others.

I'm going to the robotics banquet tomorrow. It's going to be held in a park with a lagoon. I can only hope that I have fun there. I think I will. But in the long run, I just want to be able to seek and find happiness with the others around me every day.

Thanks for the (I hope) few people sticking with me. Thank you for reading this depressing blog post today. I promise not to make these frequently. Thanks,
Issac